


To Be A Vulcan

by frenchposie



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Depression, F/M, Marriage, Original Character Death(s), Reunion, Secrets, Vulcan, friends - Freeform, numb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 09:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2502110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchposie/pseuds/frenchposie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the decommission of the Enterprise A, McCoy gets married, and is living happily with his wife.  When Federation officials come knocking and tell him about a reunion cruise onboard the Enterprise B, it's too good to pass up.  His wife has a chronic condition and makes the ultimate sacrifice to see McCoy happy.   Not canon, but sweet. </p><p>Based off my misunderstanding when I was a kid - I always thought 'The Real McCoy' was about Leonard after he retired from Starfleet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Leonard?" Veronica called into the other room. She had pulled down their favorite plant to prune it, but had difficulties getting it back up to the shelf. When there was no answer, she called again. Nothing. She knew where he was: asleep in his favorite chair, looking at holos of the days of old – when they were young and serving onboard the USS Enterprise 1701.

He had been their chief medical officer, earning him the nickname "Bones". She had been a science officer, stationed under Spock, one of Leonards two closest friends and his main competition in life. Their constant adversity caused them both joy that could not be explained, only experienced. She, too, admired Spock – his logical nature was jaggedly different from hers, for one basic reason: they were both half Vulcan, but she embraced the human element, whereas he struggled to ignore it.

It was her compassion that Leonard was first drawn to; she never assumed it was because of her looks. Due to a degenerative Vulcan disease, walking had never been something that she was good at. Her footing was wobbly at best, typically leaving her shipbound. But, after the decommission of the Enterprise, Leonard had asked her to marry him: much to her shock and chagrin.

While onboard the Enterprise, they had spent many nights talking and laughing about science, medicine, and other members of the crew. He always brought her to social gatherings and made sure that it was known that the two of them were together. Thanks to him, she had more interaction with the senior crew than she ever would have otherwise.

But, that first interaction had been because of one of the many viruses that ran rampant on the Enterprise. He had come down with it, early. But, the Captain never had considered the doctors would get sick, and so instead of quarantining those with the virus, he sent them all to sickbay. One night, on the way to his quarters, he passed out in the hallway and fell against her door – which she heard as someone knocking and alerted the computer to open the door.

She would never forget the moment when he fell into her quarters, feverish and barely concious. She read the Captain the riot act, for his inability to take his chief of medicine's health into account. The rest of the sick were either cared for in sickbay or quarantined, and he was placed in her care.

It was the first time any member of the senior staff, including Leonard had asked her about her hover chair. But, she refused to make herself uncomfortable in the safety of her own quarters. To her surprise he never mentioned this, and very infrequently mentioned her illness at all. Even the senior officers kept their surprise and questions to a minimum.

Even in their current life, he only ever mentioned her illness to be sure she was keeping up on treatments and when it incapacitated her. She hated having to rely on anyone for any reason, but if she had to, she knew she could count herself lucky to have Leonard.

She shook his shoulder to wake him, and watched as his eyes fluttered open. He smiled as soon as he saw her. "Smile for me," he whispered.

The corners of her mouth turned up and she allowed the mask over her eyes to fall so he could see the happiness that she was feeling within them. Unlike so many Vulcans before her, she did not reject emotion completely. She felt it, but didn't allow it to run her life. On the flipside, she knew how much a smile or a laugh or tears from her moved the man she so deeply loved, so she didn't totally hide these things from him either.

At seeing her smile, he smiled as well. "That's my girl." He ran a hand through her thick black hair, which hung loose over her shoulders. "Are you all right?"

She thought about putting the plant on the shelf. Then took into consideration how exhausted he seemed, and realized that the plant wasn't all that important.

She smiled again, this time only with her lips. "I think it's time for bed."

He opened his mouth to respond, when alarm bells warning that an intruder had stepped onto their property starting to ring.

Veronica looked at the screen on the wall. Four men in black suits and one Starfleet officer were walking purposefully towards the house.

Leonard was up in an instant. "Starfleet bastards, I told them not to come back here." He reached in the closet for the antique rifle that he had fixed to working order. It was his baby and he loved to practice with it.

It surprised her not at all that he was taking it out now. "I'm gonna take Charlie, you stay here."

"You can take Charlie, I'll float beside you," she stated plainly, as he made his way out the door and to the barn.

She shook her head and followed him. It was clear he wanted to protect her, but whatever Starfleet could want, they would have to face it together.

Leonard took aim at the Starfleet officer. "How many times do I have to tell you to leave us alone?" he barked.

"Now look here, Dr. McCoy. Nobody is here to cause you harm. We have a once in a lifetime opportunity for you and Lieutenant Savvoak."

Leonard cocked the gun. "I said leave!" he demanded.

"What is it?" Veronica asked evenly. "State your business and be gone."

"Can we state our business not at gunpoint?"

"Explain why you have brought brute strength. You are trespassing and threatening us. It's only fair that we defend ourselves."

"They're here to help you pack. May we come in?"

"We're not going anywhere," Leonard stated.

"I'm telling you Dr. McCoy, you will not be disappointed with the opportunity we have to offer you."

Ststststststststststst

After a few sandwiches, tea and a long conversation regarding there offer, Leonard sighed and looked at his lovely wife. "I'd say we'd have to discuss it first. You are correct, it's an opportunity too good to pass up."

"Then is the discussion over?" the Starfleet officer asked.

"What my husband means to say is that I have to get clearance from my doctor to see if I am fit for space travel."

The officer nodded. "Of course. When can we expect to hear from you?"

"Within a week."


	2. Permission Granted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is self explanatory

_Mrs. Veronica Savvoak-McCoy_

_We regret to have to inform you that should you spend prolonged periods of time in space, your molecular desintigration will start to impact your organs, in addition to your bones. It will increase the intensity of your disease by eight, and we cannot guarantee that you will survive the experience._

_However, should you wish you continue with your plan to follow your husband into space, be aware that we have included the systematic shutdown process that your body will go through, including ways to make the pain more bearable._

_Be advised, even if you do not go into space, your ultimate end will be the same – the only difference is the time at which is happens._

_Safe travels,_

_Starfleet Medical Doctor # 267485_

She read over the letter – and then again. Sally (Doctor #267485) had always been very good to her, understanding that she wanted to live her life – not only exist within it. She read it again. There was no happy ending here. Either she told him the truth, they stayed home, and she would never see that angry, passionate smile that she fell in love with all those years ago again. She knew that her husband was not truly happy. In love? Certainly. Content? Definitely. But, not happy. He was only happy on board the Enterprise, and who was she to take that away from him again?

She came out of there room smiling, even with her eyes.

"They cleared you?" he asked as he set the table.

She nodded. "They even included a list of what to do if the pain increases."

A smiled the likes of which she had not seen since the they worked onboard the Enterprise spread across his face. "Then we will do it. We will go on the cruise, in the Enterprise B, commanded by Captain Sulu."

"It's a shame Captain Kirk won't be there to see it," she said gently reminding him about the Captains death which happened when the Enterprise B first left port.

Sadness filled his eyes and he snorted. "I doubt Jim would ever have gotten used to calling Ensign Sulu 'Captain'." He forced a smile. "Do you have the list of confirmed guests?"

She nodded. "Spock, Scotty, Uhura , Chekkov, Christine Chappell – who is a doctor now…, uhm… and a few of the lower ranking officers."

He smiled again. "The old crew will be back together again. But, this time we won't be in charge – we'll just be there to annoy the actual crew and enjoy ourselves."

"And I'm sure you can be a real pain in the backside to whomever is the new chief medical officer," she said pointedly, in that Vulcan humor tone that he understood thanks to his close friendship with Spock.

He laughed out loud. "I look forward to it."


	3. What You See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veronica proves that what you see is not necessarily what you get.

The pressure in the shuttle craft had threatened to crush Veronicas bones. She gasped and held her breath, willing her lungs to keep taking in air. Luckily, the air pressure on the Enterprise B was lighter and the gravity was set at Earth standard. As soon as they were safely tucked away in their quarters, Veronica pulled out her oxygen mask and took a few deep inhalations.

"I'm going to the ten-forward lounge, would you care to… Vicki are you all right?" Dr. McCoy asked as he came out of the bedroom.

She quickly put the mask back on the hanger and shuttled herself over to him. "I'm fine. It's just different being in space," she replied, still breathless from the trip and the compressed oxygen.

"This wasn't a good idea," he said solomnly. "I shouldn't have brought you up here."

"Leonard, I'm fine," she replied softly. "A bit tired, but that is to be expected. I haven't had this much excitement in a long time."

"Would you care to take a nap? I have reading I can catch up on."

She smiled at his concern. "You'll do nothing of the sort. I concurr that a trip to the ten-forward lounge would be an ideal place to being our cruise. Perhaps Spock will be there."

His face lit up with the prospect of seeing his best friend and adversary again. "That green blooded Vulcan," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

She ignored the annoyance in his voice when he said that, as well as the fact that she too was a 'green blooded Vulcan'. She remembered the countless hours the two would spend with each other if for no other purpose than to get on each other's nerves and play devils advocate.

His face resumed it's solemn expression. "But, only if you're sure."

She reached up and stroked his cheek, feeling the beginning of stubble grating against her fingers. "I'm sure. I, too, wish to see Spock. Perhaps he will remember me as well?"

"Of course he will," Dr. McCoy responded with a laugh. "How could anybody forget you?"

Veronica laughed heartily with Christine, who had aged gracefully and was as lovely as her personality. They watched Spock and Bones exchange pleasantries and mocked them as Bones tried to provoke Spock.

"Spock's been preparing, I see," Veronica said, just ask Spock looked at Leonard pointedly.

"Practicing?" Christine prompted.

"Patience."

They both laughed.

"Vulcans can use that sort of practice. They are so testy."

Veronica felt herself stiffen. Humans had no comprehension for how patient Vulcans actually were. But, instead of lecturing the good doctor on the conflict cultures and mannerisms between Humans and Vulcans she pointed to the pair, as they stopped standing side by side and rounded to face each other.

Suddenly, Christine put a hand on Veronica's hoverchair. "I didn't know that you could be cleared for space travel after a certain phase of the disease," she said, very quietly.

Veronica sat up straight and sniffed. "I have a good doctor. She understands that I want to live life, not die accepting it."

"How will the pressure and chemical differences affect you?"

"That is none of your concern, thank you. It's nothing I cannot and am not prepared to handle."

"Now, listen you green blooded Vulcan…" Bones' voice could be heard over the chatter in the lounge.

Christine and Veronica turned to each other and started to giggle.

The night moved slowly, with dinner and dancing. Spock engaged her more than he had in the entirety of their time on the Enterprise, much to her shock and delight. She had always respected the man and wanted so badly to be counted among his friends. The way he was treating her, she felt like she had finally succeeded.

The three of them (Bones, Spock, and Veronica) stood along the wall while the hall was opened for dancing and deserts. When Bones left to speak to Captin Sulu, Spock stood close to her – uncomfortably close for a Vulcan.

"Does he know you're in pain?" spock asked quietly.

"Of course he does, Spock. The pain is constant and chronic."

"Does he know how much pain you're in right now?'

She sighed; she had been caught. "No," she admitted.

"Does he know how this will speed up the spread of your disease?"

"No." .

"What's your time limit?"

"They don't know."

Spock nodded. "You have to tell him, you know."

"No, I don't. He's happy for the first time since the decommission of the Enterprise. I can't take this from him."

"You could have remained on Earth," Spock pointed out.

She shook her head. "He would not have come without me."

"Noble of you." He turned to face her and did a short bow. "If I do not get to say it in time, then: it was an honor serving with you."

She returned the bow. "And you as well."

As he turned to walk away, she called him back. "Spock, please keep this between you and I."

Spock looked at her with pain in his eyes. It was an expression only a fellow Vulcan could see, but it made her breath catch in her chest. "Of course," he replied levelly, and walked away.

She sighed and leaned back. Had she made the wrong decision?"

When she awoke the next morning she felt a crushing sensation on her legs. Everything from her knees down were in considerable pain, and sore from her hips to her knees. After realizing that there was nothing on her legs, she moaned. When she was younger, she would have feared having to use the hoverchair. Now she feared not being able to get into it.

"Leonard?" she called.

Nothing.

"Shoot! He must have gone to breakfast," she muttered, reaching over to the table and picking up the datapad. She read through the doctors instructions. Sure enough this was one of the less serious side effects of space travel. Sadly, her only options were to take medications or live in the pain. Knowing that any medications would be closely monitored by her husband, she chose to suffer quietly.

Forty five standard minutes later she was joining the crew in Ten Forward. "My apologies for my tardiness.

"No apologies necessary, lass," Scotty responded. "We're just enjoying a slow, steady breakfast. And there is plenty left. No rush."

As she took her place at the end of the table, Leonard got up. "I'll get you a plate," he stated.

"How are you faring this morning?" Spock asked, pointedly.

She blinked. She had not expected to be put on the spot immediately. "As well as can be expected." She smiled at him and continued brightly, "But thank you  _so_  much for your concern."

He gazed at her neutrally, having long since gotten used to her human idiosyncrasies. He held her gaze for just a moment longer than necessary, then turned back to the group.

Ststststststststst

Veronica was saddened when she woke up and Leonard had already gone to dinner. She had hoped for some snuggle time – when she was awake. He was always good about lying with her until she went to sleep, but she had long before told him not to wait his life on her waking up. At home, she'd find him in the next room reading. Back onboard the Enterprise, it seemed he remembered his lust for life.

She coughed wetly and reached over for a handkerchief. After a few more coughs she pulled it away and sighed sadly. It was covered in blood.

After she had calmed her lungs and dressed she went to Ten-Forward, where she assumed the crew was – but it was empty. She went to the bridge, but all she did was surprise Captain Sulu, who said that he had not seen the original crew in many hours.

Finally, she went to sickbay, both hoping – and not hoping – that he was there. She breathed a sigh of nervousness when she didn't see him. Doctor Chappell was giving the current doctor a brief overview of the differences between when she started in medicine and the current comforts.

A wet cough escaped, and Veronica covered it hastily. Dr. Chappell turned and excused herself out of the conversation. "Do you need a hypo-shot?" she asked quietly.

Veronica handed her a vial that her doctor had given her.

"You know, you really should tell Doctor McCoy," she said as she readied the hypospray.

"I told you, Leonard doesn't need to know."

"Doesn't need to know what?" Dr. McCoy said as he came into sickbay. He looked at the hypo and then to his wife. "Pain?" he asked, and frowned when she nodded at him. "Should we head back?" he asked as he clasped his hands behind his back.

"No." She lengthened her neck to allow room for the hypo.

"Excuse us, Nurse – er, Doctor Chappell?" he inquired

With a smug look on her face, she left the two of them.

"You think I haven't noticed?" Leonard asked as soon as she was out of hearing range.

"Noticed?" Veronica answered as innocently as she could.

He looked her squarely in the eye. "Yes, noticed. The pain is worse – you need more oxygen – you're more exhausted… why haven't you told me?"

"Obviously I haven't needed to," she said. She took a deep breath and enjoyed how her lungs didn't feel full.

He sighed. "Really, I want you to enjoy this too. Do we need to go home?"

"No," she said quickly. She placed a hand on his shoulder and forced a smile. "It's hard to live in space again. But, it's only for a few more weeks. I'll be fine."

He smiled and kissed her. "You worry me."

"I'll be fine. It's that damn Vulcan physiology," she teased.

Dr. Chappell sighed and shook her head.

* * *

**Chapter 4: Feeling the Part**

* * *

Veronica drew in a deep breath and felt herself relax. It had been three days since they arrived home and Leonard was still going on and on about the experience.

He had accompanied her to the doctor the day they landed. Sally had been extremely discrete, but honest, about the damage that was done. In short, yes it had done some damage to her internal system, but it wasn't irreversible.

"Yeetchchh!" Leonard sneezed into his hands as they were enjoying dinner.

She put down her fork immediately. "Bless you?" she said in a confused, concerned tone.

"Yeetchchh! Hetchheh!" he continued to sneeze.

"Leonard? Too much spice?"

He sniffled and coughed, blinking rapidly as he shook his head. "I think – Heptschhoo!"

He paused and she handed him a napkin.

"Bless again. A cold?"

He nodded as he blew his nose. "I thought the headache was from the atmospheric changes, but apparently not." He coughed again.

"I guess, we're going to bed early," she said.

He nodded. "Yeah, but I'm going to sleep on the couch."

"What?" she asked, unable to mask her surprise.

"You can't get sick – you're still not healed. I do wish you told me how much pain you were in – by the way."

"What? In space? What would have been done? It would have taken us at least two days to get back anyway – so it wasn't like it was causing more damage."

"Heeachhoo!" He was thrown forward with the force of the sneeze.

"Okay, to the bath with you – nice and warm. I'll set up the … couch." A pang of guilt stabbed at her. She couldn't believe that she was letting him sleep on the couch – but she knew he wouldn't allow her to take the couch while he had the bed.

Within the hour he was in his flannel pajamas and tucked into the couch.

"You know I would have made you tea or something for the headache," she said, handing him a cup of mullien tea.

He smiled as he took it. "It's only a cold – you've been dealing with worse."

"Nothing I can't handle," she replied with a smile.

"Something I want to handle with you," he replied sleepily. He drank the tea quickly and handed her back the cup. "Heeetchheoo!" the sneeze rocked him forward and he forced out a cough.

She ran a hand over his forehead and through his hair, surprised that his temperature was higher than hers. "Rest now. I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow."

But, he didn't feel better the next day – or the day after that. In fact, the cold was developing into a nasty flu.

"Here, try to eat something at least," she said handing him a bowl of soup. She quickly picked it back up as the sneezy expression crossed his face again. "Heetchh! Etccheew! Reaschhoo!" The sneezing gave way to husky coughs that brought up some of the congestion in his chest.

"I'm going to call in a doctor," she stated, when the fit had passed.

Too exhausted to argue, he nodded as the world faded to black.

The next time he came to, Veronica was talking to Sally in hushed tones. "Do I get to weigh in?" he asked, surprised at how rough his voice sounded and how raw his throat felt.

"You have one heck of a flu, Dr. McCoy," Sally answered. "I've given you a script for an anti-viral. It should knock the flu out of you – but it'll leave you extremely exhausted for the next few days."

"I know the drill," he whispered as he fell back to sleep.

She wasn't sure exactly how she wound up on the floor, but she was there – no denying it. Twenty-four hours into his anti-viral treatment she had developed a cough – one that was producing blood again. Thinking that she was coming down with his flu and exasperating her internal injuries, she started on the medications that Sally had left for her. But, then the dizziness started and the hallucinations… and the pain.

She had tried to ignore it all. Leonard was in no position to care for her. And, it wouldn't be fair anyway – he spent so much of his life taking care of her. Finally, she was able to care for him the way he did her. Finally, she felt like she could possibly earn some of his love. Finally, she felt deserving.

But, now she was sprawled, crippled on the floor with no hope of pulling herself up and no memory of getting there. She needed him – no matter how much it pained her to admit it.

"Leonard!" she called for him. No answer. She didn't expect there to be. He was in a drug induced stupor. "Leonard please!" she called louder. Nothing. "It's okay," she whispered as she drifted off to sleep.

When she woke up again, she was in the hospital. She recognized the ceiling and walls around her – and the familiar sight of Leonard asleep in the chair beside the bed. Her heart ached – he deserved so much better than this. "Hey," she croaked out.

His eyes opened immediately. They were bloodshot, and his color was still too pale. He smiled bitterly. "You kept your illness from me." It wasn't a question.

"You were sick."

He shook his head. "I knew the pressure of space was causing you breathing difficulties. I didn't know that you were coughing up blood. I didn't know that you were in crippling pain. Why didn't you tell me?"

She looked at her vitals. He never asked such questions of her. But, when she saw the vital signs, she knew why. She was dying.

She took a staggering deep breath. There was no reason to hide anymore. "You were happy."

He blinked rapidly. "What are you talking about?"

"Leonard, you were alive in a way I haven't seen since the decommission of the Enterprise –A. You were happy – I couldn't take that from you."

"And this," he said gesturing wildly, "elates me."

"No…" she whispered.

"I never thought I could love or be loved – and I love you."

"Did I make you happy?"

"Of course," he said without hesitation.

"Not content, Leonard. Happy – alive and embracing life."

"Of course."

"No…" she thought of another way to put it. "When is the last time you laughed with me the way you did on the Enterprise B?"

He thought about her question and winced as if she had struck him. He couldn't remember a time when he'd laughed like that.

She felt as if a weight had been placed on her chest. "Smile for me," she said.

"I can't," he gasped as tears started to flow down his face.

"You can… for me…" Darkness started to creep into her vision.

"I can't," he said. She could hear him sobbing.

She reached for his hand and felt him squeeze hers. "Don't forget how to smile, Leonard. You once told me I taught you to smile. Remember how – remember how to laugh… remember how to love…"

"I love you," he whispered. But it didn't matter – the ominous continuous beep of the failed heart filled the room. He waited for a few seconds, hoping her second heart would kick in. But, unlike Spock's it never did.

The crew of the Enterprise A was together again. He was surprised how quickly they had come. He watched the scene play out before him as if it was a strange dream. Nothing felt real – not the funeral speech or cremation ceremony. He was grateful that Spock had come and had not left his side. He didn't want to talk – and he knew Spock would understand.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Spock told him after the cremation ceremony.

"Sorry, huh?" he had teased at the play at emotion.

"She wasn't a model Vulcan, but she was a model woman," Spock replied. "And she made you happy."

"She made me complete, Spock."

Spock nodded. "It's good that she knew that."

"She didn't know. She died because she didn't' think she made me happy."

"You just said she made you complete. Not that she made you happy. She was still part Vulcan. She understood the difference."

Dr. McCoy choked back a sob.

"I shouldn't tell you this. But, she placed your happiness above all else. She loved you in a way that it shouldn't be possible for a Vulcan. You made her happy."

For the first time in his life Dr. McCoy couldn't feel anything. He was numb. He wondered if this is what it felt like to be Vulcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a chronic pain diagnosis. I know what it is to create a personae around not letting people see your pain.


End file.
